The Ramblings of a Mom Who Thought She Knew it All

fallingThis note of craziness will be short and to the point. First off, I would like to say that I am a writer. Pure and simple. I haven’t fully been honest with myself because I let others talk me into believing that I’m anything but a writer. I may not get paid for it at this time, but I will continue to write my heart out until I find that perfect symphony of words that makes a person’s heart sing. The motivational montage will somehow fly in on the wings of a muse, and make a difference in someone’s life…in the world…somehow…That big break that everyone dreams about will come my way because I believe in every fiber of my being this is part of what I was meant to do with my life. My big break is different from yours, but most people understand what I mean when I say this. I’ve learned way too much, I’ve come way too far, and I have been to places in my mind and in my life that most people can’t even fathom.

Throughout my life, there have been way too many “coincidences” to call them just that. I know there is a higher power that most people call God, and I also know that there is an evil power roaming this earth that some call the Devil. A lot of people believe “Satan”, or that devil I just mentioned, is in hell. I honestly believe that our hell is here on earth, and all the wrong choices we make take us to different realms of learning experiences. Obviously, I don’t have all the answers (hence the title of this blog), but I have spent a lot of time researching religion, philosophy, and ethics to come up with this hypothesis. I have many more ideas, but that isn’t really why I started writing today.

Back to the subject, and call it what you may, the number one goal I know everyone seems to have, in one variation or another, is happiness. People search and long for that one thing that will make them completely euphoric and carefree. Some people go to the extremes of hard drugs and alcoholism. Everyone has a crutch, and everyone seems to continue to search for the meaning of life. There are many guidelines, but how do we know for sure if these are really the guidelines we need to be following? I mean, after all, look at how many different religions we have. Look at how many wars are caused because of the disagreement of that higher power we form into sects and cults. We form an array of new beliefs built upon words we may not have read into the literal meaning of.

I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m getting at…and here’s what it is…how do we know for sure what we are really here for? I thought my main lot in life was to be a mother, but now my pre-teen boys have decided they want to live with their father. I thought I was supposed to help children, so I got a bachelor’s degree in child development and realized from the beginning that it just didn’t feel right…but then I had already ignored that because I had changed my major from instructional design after I earned my associate’s degree in business, and then when my gut prompted me again to look into something else, I didn’t want to because I was one year away from earning that degree. I thought I’ll use it somehow. I do want to help other people. I am a good mom, and I’m good with kids, so good has to come out of this…

I just want to quote my thoughts I wrote in my journal the other day based on how I have been feeling lately: “Life is a big, fuckin’ fat joke!! Why am I REALLY here? Am I an experiment created by God to see how my shit I can handle?!” However, I do want to say that I have made some progress. You may be wondering, how is that progress? You might even be thinking that I am one of the most negative people you have ever encountered. The thing is, I really have gotten better and have become way more positive. There’s more to this journey of healing, but I think I have done really well considering I was sexually abused by people who threw around the word love loosely, I was belittled and degraded by people who were supposed to be my biggest support system, and I have literally been beaten and almost choked to death. supporting-hands-clipart-1

The thing that I have noticed is that once people reach the glory of what they call their happiness in life, they are no longer as recognized for all the shit they had to go through to get to that point. Most of that fades into the darkness, the background of that limelight. This is why I started Who Blogging Cares? Everyone wants a happy ending, right? Yes, I do too! However, sometimes the inspiration is in the struggle. I will end with this quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found the way out of those depths.” Everyone’s life is filled with some sort of challenge, the question is, are you willing to climb out the pits of hell with me? Or are you just going to lie there like a victim who is being hunted as prey?

This is a question to ponder when you are having a day that makes you feel as if the only way out of your sorrow and despair is death. Hopefully, you catch my drift and understand that sometimes you just have to let life be, you have to go with the flow, and you have to throw your hands up in the air and let God handle it. This is what I am doing, and soon I will share with you the craziness of my life that has led to mountains of gratitude. Whether that is through poetry, lyrical nonsense, or just plain rambling, I hope to someday help others who have had such a difficult life find peace in uncertainty.

Copyright © 2017 [Carrie Pottberg]. All Rights Reserved.

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