I have had many regrets in my life, but the biggest one I have encountered is giving up on myself before I even started. Furthermore, I apologize to myself quite often for pursuing things in my life for others and not for myself. I guess I have always had that all or nothing attitude, and it has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I didn’t pursue my writing career because everyone told me it wouldn’t make enough money, but I ended up going to college for a degree I haven’t been using. I don’t claim to know the meaning of life. I can’t profess that I have everything calm and well-balanced, but one thing I do know is that I’m just exhausted with trying so hard.
Recently, I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The fourth agreement stated in his book is the first on my mental list which communicates to others to always do their best. In the book, he tells everyone that your number one effort varies from day to day. That’s a given because some days you have more energy than other days depending on the state of your health. If you don’t try your best; however, it sets you up for self-criticism and if you try too hard, you spend way too much energy on something that may hurt you in the end.
I think I have spent way too much time in my life forcing myself to go above and beyond or quitting something because someone else told me I couldn’t do it. And for what? Two college degrees that I don’t use and a situation that I may or may not have been in if I didn’t go to school in the first place… I have tried to spend time inspiring others, but the reason why I quit the first blog I started was because I was told by someone I love that it’s difficult to take advice from someone “who doesn’t have their shit together”.
What I didn’t know until now is that I stubbornly ignored that I am unable to force anything into existence. I can’t overexert myself doing something and always expect positive results. I can’t control everything in my life, so why try so hard I make myself miserable? I decided that I am going to put my best effort forward and trust that everything falls into place. That is a difficult task for me, but at least I can start approaching my life differently. Obviously, the way I’m doing things now isn’t working.
Albert Einstein once said that the true definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I definitely have my work cut out for me because my PTSD brain causes me to worry and fret about certain things most people wouldn’t think twice about. So, my motivation to others today is that if I can do it, then you can too!
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