Is there motivation in my struggles? I’d like to think that I’m good for something these days. Why do I constantly sit and wonder why I’m here in this world? Why do I continually overthink things? Is that a blessing or a curse? Sometimes it’s both. I’m not suicidal, I promise. I have thought that way in the past, but I know I’m here for a reason. My reason feels so strongly that I am supposed to make a difference, inspire, and motivate others to be better versions of themselves. How do I do that when I ride this emotional roller coaster?
I worry about too many things, then I write about not worrying. Why? Maybe I’m blogging to help myself. Funny thing… the blogs I don’t seem to give a shit about are the ones people like. The ones I put a lot of thought into are the ones that no one touches. Sometimes I care too much. I’ve been hurt too many times to count, yet my heart is full of love. I want others to succeed as much as I want myself to flourish. I’m just tired of stressing so much. It’s exhausting.
I have read countless information about how to overcome anxiety and trauma. I try to put that into play into my life. I’ve been filling out endless amounts of job applications because of the situation my husband and I are in at the moment. I know if I don’t give up that the right job will come along, but as I sit here, I become impatient. I am terrible with just being. The way I was raised is that I have to keep myself busy all the time, and if I don’t, I’m lazy. I mentioned previously in another post that I’m working on fixing that all or nothing attitude that has gotten me into several binds in my life. I know I need to do my best, but why do I sit and wonder if my best is good enough?
I guess all I can do is pray and have faith God will get me out of this situation. There’s a constant nagging in my head that I would like to get rid of. I just want to be happy! Isn’t that what everyone wants? It’s not as easy as it seems (even though several people would argue this with me), but I’d like to believe that I’m one step closer than I was yesterday. I’m ready for a change. I can feel it in my body and soul. I am not sure when it will appear or what exactly will happen, but I can only hope it materializes soon! If I must fall, I would like to fall forward.
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