“OK,” my therapist said slowly and meticulously, pausing slightly. “And how does that make you feel?”
I giggled uncontrollably. It reminded me of the movies where the therapist really isn’t listening but has to say something in order to make it seem as if they are actually paying attention and engaged in what you’re telling them.
She sighed and raised her eyebrows unamused, “Go ahead. Tell me.”
I laughed again and rolled my eyes. “To be honest, I feel like I’m so boring that you can’t stay awake.”
Before her question had been thrown out in an almost monotonous tone, she had actually fallen asleep! Seriously, who falls asleep when they’re listening to a patient?! Her justification was she hadn’t gotten sleep the night before because of a personal issue that would have excused her presence that day but she chose to come to work. I think it’s awesome that she loves her job so much, but maybe she should’ve taken into consideration the fact that the people she dealt with on a daily basis were the types to take that kind of behavior personally, even if she didn’t have control over the situation.
“That’s not a feeling,” she huffed, then proceeded to give me a list of feelings. It even had a place on it where you could write your name at the top as if it was a hand-out they gave to kindergarteners trying to identify their feelings to handle things in a calmer manner.
I glanced down at the paper and sarcastically stated, “Right now I feel…”
To be honest, I’m not exactly sure of what we were discussing in detail, but I do know it had something to do with my father’s abuse towards me. The main idea of the story is that even though my therapist drove me crazy, there was still a part of me open enough to her personality to learn and take something with me to use in my journey here on this earth. Actually, she is the first person who told me about The Four Agreements by Ruiz. That stuck with me until I was given an Amazon card from my mom for my birthday to buy books for my Kindle (I almost have an obsession with ebooks at this point especially if they’re free).
Lately, I have been so caught up in the details of trying to change my situation that I have forgotten to follow the procedures I have been trying to intertwine in my own life. First of all, I must affirm to you that I really don’t believe in coincidences. Actually, I formed that theory a long time ago, but sometimes I need a little reminder. The other day, I decided to meditate to gong music. While I was trying to figure out why I had fears coming out of the woodwork of the cracks in my mind, I decided to do a little research.
Beforehand, A message that was imposed upon me in my meditation, because I’ve been failing to see past the walls I sometimes build when I’m out of my comfort zone, was that there is no such thing as coincidence. Oddly enough, when I stumbled across a website while I was trying to research gong healing, the very first line stated: “There is no such thing as coincidence. You were brought here for a reason.” How astonishing is it when something like that happens in your life? Sometimes I get frustrated trying to figure out the messages that are trying to be presented to me, so to have something as clear-cut and to the point, as that one, it’s actually a huge sigh of relief.
The idea I’m trying to splatter paint into your psyche is that everything happens for a reason. I only saw a therapist for about three months. My therapist made me angry and tried my patience. She was the exact opposite of people I felt comfortable confiding in, and I honestly told her that I suspected she was talking down to me all the time. I absolutely despise people being condescending towards me, or anyone for that matter. We all have something to learn in this lifetime, or else we wouldn’t be here. We all have weaknesses, and we all have obstacles to overcome.
By telling her this, we were able to hash out our differences, and I was able to willingly absorb information that I otherwise would have stubbornly blocked in my mind in the past. What I’m getting at, is that every life circumstance has a lesson to teach us, whether we like it or not. If we listen and truly absorb the information and apply it to our lives, we can gracefully move onto the next lesson.
Have you ever repeated the same things over and over but just in a different setting? In the past, that seemed to happen quite often in my life. This is why I have made up my mind to try to flow with life. I’m sure people are going to get burned out from me mentioning my PTSD and severe anxiety diagnoses, but that seems to be the only way I can confront others to help them understand that no matter what your weakness or disability is, you can move past it! It may take time, and some days you may feel as if you have backtracked…one step forward, two steps back…but that really is just a part of healing. If you give up, you will never be able to mend what has been broken.
Sometimes you can’t fully repair a certain impairment, but you can accommodate enough to push forward and shine the way you are meant to shine! Try letting go of the control you seem to grip onto so fearfully and see where you get then. You may be surprised that stepping out of your comfort zone has actually taught you some really awesome lessons that you can use to help someone else who needs it in the future.
Copyright © 2017 [Carrie Pottberg]. All Rights Reserved.